Bubaneswar; Bhadrak

I returned to Vrndavana after two weeks in Orissa. I was determined this time to stay until he had recovered completely or he left. I did not realize at that time how things would turn out and in great anticipation and anxiety sat in the station in Delhi waiting for the train to Mathura. When I arrived there in Mathura and then finally Vrndavana I was greatly excited. I jumped out of the car and offered obeisances to Vrndavana-dhama. I arose and saw Aksayananda Maharaja coming toward the temple with Bagaji from Bagaji's house. I inquired from him (after offering obeisances) the condition of Prabhupada's health. "The doctor has just pronounced that he has five hours left," said Aksayananda Svami. I was thunderstruck. I could not believe it. I dropped all my luggage in the lobby and ran inside, filthy from two days' ride on the train. Srila Prabhupada was lying there in his bed, glowing like a thousand suns. His bodily luster was incomparable. I reached out my hand to touch him and then I felt surcharged with spiritual ecstasy. But I was overwhelmed with grief. I just stood there, very numb in shocked condition, repeating over and over again, "Isn't there any way it could change? Could he not stay?"

Then I was amazed as all the devotees were massaging him. I was standing at his head massaging his head, rendering the last bit of personal service, when suddenly he began to roll from side to side, flailing his arms in the air back and forth and then roaring very loudly, then belching with tremendous force. Then again he was rolling and roaring and then still completely, as if stunned, then trembling and crying, tears gliding down from his eyes. I was thunderstruck. He had shown us the most astounding display of transcendental ecstasy that we had ever seen or ever would see in the future. It was amazing. I thought to myself that everything I had read about in his books was now being revealed.

It was hard to imagine, but now Srila Prabhupada was showing us everything. He was writing the last chapter of the book. He had shown us how to live in Krsna consciousness and was showing us how to die in Krsna consciousness. I was very much confused. I shook with mixed emotions, crying in agony and ecstasy that I could not communicate with him this last five hours. It was most painful. How could I live without Srila Prabhupada's presence? Especially the last two years I could remember that I was always thinking, "When will I see him next?" It was keeping me alive and happy, anxiously awaiting his association from time to time. But now he was leaving, and I was feeling that I could no longer live.

That evening he passed, leaving of his own volition, and I was feeling greatly disturbed. At first it was shock, then shamelessly crying at his feet. I abandoned all sense of sanity. Bhavananda Maharaja was such a great hero. He was the most aggrieved, but he kept his head in all of this confusion of crying and screaming and banging of heads and fists against the walls. (If he had not, I cannot imagine the catastrophe that would have taken place.) "I've got to dress Srila Prabhupada. Please stop now," he pleaded. Then, after collecting myself, I noticed how the room was permeated with a wonderful fragrance. Then we watched Bhavananda Maharaja change Srila Prabhupada's clothes. As he took off the old garments each one was more fragrant than the next. When finally we removed his cloth diaper which we kept between his legs to catch the oozing urine, I was overwhelmed with the fragrance of a bouquet of flowers as I put it up to my nose. The pure devotee had passed in a blaze of glory during the most ecstasy kirtana that was ever held by the assembled devotees. Pure and perfect, his transcendental body lay there peacefully retaining its everfresh effulgence, full of spiritual bliss and knowledge. The atmosphere was surcharged with transcendental emotions and ecstasies.

After this we carried him on a palanquin around the temple and then to his vyasasana, where we worshiped him all night with kirtana and bhajana. The next day, after a parikrama of Vrndavana, we lowered Srila Prabhupada's graceful, transcendental form into an ocean of salt. We covered his body, never to see him again. It thought, never to see him again.

Now I was returning to Orissa from Vrndavana. Srila Prabhupada had just left us. I was trying to take courage. I had been there by some miracle for the last five hours of his appearance on this planet, and I was deeply struck by the pain of separation. I could hardly think straight. I was trying to find some consolation, but it was most difficult. I had remembered that one phrase-prabhu-datta desa-that your guru is in the land where you were told to preach, in your place of preaching which was given to you by the guru. That's where he is. So I kept repeating over and over again - prabhu-datta desa But it was difficult. I could hardly understand it. I kept thinking, "No, Srila Prabhupada is not gone, he's here. This did not actually take place in Vrndavana. He must still be here." But it was almost maddening.

When I arrived in Bhubaneswar that evening my mind was spent. I was distraught and tired from the long journey. When I met the devotees I was a little relieved and happy. I entered our grass hut and offered my obeisances to all the devotees, and then, in the next room, to the Deities. Then I went back to the first room and related the story to all the devotees about what had happened: how you had disappeared, how the ceremonies were carried out, how everything happened. It was most difficult. Then I showed them the sheet which was on your body when you passed away which was given by Tamala Krsna Goswami. Then I showed the shirt which was given and the pen for Gaura Govinda Maharaja, the flowers from your palanquin which were given to all the devotees as prasada. Then after distributing everything I took some hot milk and laid myself to rest.

That is when it really hit me. I was back in Bhubaneswar, and I was no longer going to see Srila Prabhupada. He wasn't waiting in Vrndavana. He wasn't waiting in Mayapur. I wasn't going to be able to go see him there any longer. When I realized that I began to cry. I'm only twenty-eight, I thought. I only had his association for eight or nine years-I spent the major part of my life without him. It's very difficult. What can I do? In that sorrowful mood I went to sleep. The next morning I awoke and began my morning duties. As I was cleansing my lota with mud I could not help but remember how he had personally instructed me here in Bhubaneswar how to do this. He told me, "This place is very healthy. You rise early every morning, evacuate in the field, cleanse your lota with mud, take a bath, and you'll never get sick. You'll always be healthy." By following a simple instruction I had been able to remember him. He was there with me. Then throughout the morning program I kept remembering how you had personally instructed in so many ways to follow all these devotional practices, and I was beginning to be filled with joy because I was getting your association again by following your instructions. And all of the Godbrothers were experiencing the same feeling. We were all just beginning to understand and realize more and more in the pangs of separation how only by following your instructions cent per cent could get your association and mitigate these pangs.

Srila Prabhupada, you left a great legacy here in Orissa-to build a temple in Bhubaneswar, to build a temple in Bhadrak and to build a temple in Puri. To translate and print all your books into Oriya and to travel to every village of Orissa and preach to distribute them. And you've given us Gaura Govinda Maharaja for association, inspiration and guidance. You've given us Jayapataka and Bhavananda as our GBCs, and all of our wonderful Godbrothers all over the world for association and spiritual happiness. I am just starting to realize that you had written the last chapter in the book, but you have only brought to a close the first canto, and there are many more cantos to be written for ten thousand years to come, all by you, Srila Prabhupada, who are ever present in your instructions. I beg you on this day, please always allow me and all of us to follow these instructions perfectly to your desire, and just as Arjuna became the sword in the hand of Krsna to fulfill the story of Mahabharata, let us all become pens in your hand, writing the history of the greatest cultural revolution the world has ever known.

All glories to His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, who lives forever in his instructions, and the disciple lives with him.