Denver

DENVER

My dear Srila Prabhupada,

Several months have passed since you departed from this world, and I am acutely feeling your absence. At special times, my mind retrogresses to your room in Vrndavana where you lay close to death on the morning of November 14. At around 10:30 A.M., you began making ominous signs that hinted death, and the continuous kirtana, usually very soft, now became loud and urgent. As an unarticulated sense of impending catastrophe welled up, increasing numbers of your disciples flooded the room, gathering around your bed, packed up tight. As the hours passed and the pervasive mood of impending disaster became an invisible tidal wave, the chanting became frantic, the tears fell in torrents, and prayers, both spoken and silent, gushed unashamedly. Standing very close to you, I prayed to you with intense fervor: "Srila Prabhupada, please don't leave my heart; remain within my heart always. You may leave your body but you cannot leave my heart. You have given me many instructions and I have followed them. Now I will give you an instruction and you must follow it: Remain eternally within my heart. Please don't leave me, Srila Prabhupada! I am your most fallen disciple. I have no good qualities. I am the worst rascal. But please don't neglect me! If you do not neglect me, your most fallen disciple, how glorious you will be!" In this way, I was calling to you with great feeling.

While the emotional pitch in the room intensified more and more, becoming almost unbearable, some disciples placed framed pictures of your Guru Maharaja, Sri Panca-tattva and Lord Krsna on either side of your head. Your head, anointed with sandalwood paste and encircled by colorful flower and tulasi garlands, appeared as a rare, effulgent celestial jewel. Your two forearms, think like sticks, waves mysteriously this way and that, as if conducting some mystical even beyond our earthly view. All the while, devotees were gently rubbing your chest, head, arms, legs and feet our of intense affection, bathing your body with their tears.

As the evening twilight descended upon the room, intense feelings of anguish, fear, love and devotion thickened, devotees chanted, weeping and praying. Srila Prabhupada, I was feeling a great intensification of devotional sentiments for you-whole avalanches of spontaneous realization of your greatness and glory, and my own tinyness and total, eternal dependence on your lotus feet-realizations of your profoundly inconceivable, unlimited mercy upon all of us, your disciples; how you are actually saving us from this dark, miserable material world and taking us back to our original home, back to Godhead. This deep, transcendental meditation upon your greatness, kindness and mercy forcefully dragged my rotten mind to a higher, transcendental platform, characterized both by intense feelings of anticipated separation and of transcendental bliss. "Our only real friend in this world, our benefactor, our father, our protector, our guide, well-wisher and savior is leaving us! How can this be?!" Such feelings and realizations descended in oceanic volume, and I was crushed under its devastating and purifying power.

Then, at about 7:25 P.M., Delhi time, I was intently watching your face, and one devotee cried out, "Srila Prabhupada can't breathe!" and all the horrified devotees could see that you were opening your mouth as if to take air, but you could not actually take air. You were suffocating right before our eyes! I could not even attempt, now, to describe my disbelief. But you were not struggling. The opening and closing of your mouth was a slow and strangely graceful motion, and you face was totally undisturbed and radiant with peace, your eyes slightly open and staring into space, staring beyond all mundane dimensions. After about thirty seconds you stopped breathing, your mouth remained open, eyes slightly open and staring up, and you departed your body and from this world.

Those who could still chant continued to chant in furious unison, completely unable to stop, as if chanting was life itself. Loud cries and howls filled the room and appeared to be filling the entire universe. One cannot imagine hearing such resounding and pitiful cries from so many people without having been in your room at that moment. For several minutes, there was complete pandemonium. Devotees, blinded by tears, lay down on the ground or wandered aimlessly this way and that, wailing and sobbing as if the universe were being destroyed or as if the most dear object of life had been taken away; and indeed you had. This catastrophic scene is forever emblazoned on my consciousness.

Quite wonderfully, however, beyond being a scene of unspeakable sadness, it was a scene of unspeakable magnificence and glory as well. You departed from your mortal body as a great soldier, a great king, a great demigod, a great saint, a most glorious personality! If we had eyes to see, we would surely have beheld the residents of the higher planetary systems showering flowers, and heard them beating on drums and playing on transcendental stringed instruments, as when General Bhisma left his body, lying on a bed of arrows on the battlefield. It was all glory, all victory, opulence, eternal auspiciousness, infinite glory! This inconceivable mixing of great lamentation and profound bliss was total overwhelming. It was as if we all had to be endowed with infinitely great facility to feel and perceive in order to tolerate this experience without being totally crushed and annihilated.

Now, my eternal divine master, several months later, I am trying to better understand my relationship with you, my responsibility in that relationship, and how I am to carry on in your absence. By your mercy and transcendental foresight, you have so carefully and authoritatively explained everything in your books, and so it is there I go for shelter. I gratefully invoke your self-illuminating words. In the Srimad-Bhagavatam you explain that for the sincere disciple there is never any question of separation from the guru as long as he is strictly following the guru's instructions:

The disciple and spiritual master are never separated, because the spiritual master always keeps company with the disciple as long as the disciple follows strictly the instructions of the spiritual master. This is called the association of vani (words). Physical presence is called vapuḥ. As long as the spiritual master is physically present, the disciple should serve the physical body of the spiritual master, and when the spiritual master is no longer physically existing, the disciple should serve the instructions of the spiritual master. (Bhag. 4.28.47 purport)

When the spiritual master disappears, you further explain, the devotee, if he is pure in heart, is immediately helped and guided by the Lord in the heart, the Supersoul, the spiritual master within:

One who is sincere and pure gets an opportunity to consult with the Supreme Personality of Godhead in His Paramatma feature sitting within everyone's heart. The Paramatma is always the caitya-guru, the spiritual master within, and He comes before one externally as the instructor and initiator spiritual master. The Lord can reside within the heart, and He can also come out before a person and give him instructions. Thus the spiritual master is not different from the Supersoul sitting within the heart ….When the guru has physically departed, the Supersoul immediately appears, provided the devotee is purified in heart by following the directions of the spiritual master. A sincere devotee who follows the instructions of the spiritual master certainly gets direct instructions from his heart from the Supersoul. Thus a sincere devotee is always helped directly or indirectly by the spiritual master and the Supersoul. (Bhag. 4.28.50 purport)

Then you tell us that it is essential for the disciple to be fully dedicated to properly executing the mission of the spiritual master:

A devoted disciple of the spiritual master would rather die with the spiritual master than fail to execute the spiritual master's mission. As the Supreme Personality of Godhead comes down upon this earth to reestablish the principles of religion, so His representative, the spiritual master, also comes to reestablish religious principles. It is the duty of the disciples to take charge of the mission of the spiritual master and execute it properly. Otherwise the disciple should decide to die along with the spiritual master. In other words, to execute the will of the spiritual master, the disciple should be prepared to lay down his life and abandon all personal considerations. (Bhag. 4.28.50 purport)

Finally, you advise us that the disorder which may follow the disappearance of the acarya can be relieved by his genuine disciples, by their sincerely following his instructions:

Whenever the acarya comes, following the superior orders of the Supreme Personality of Godhead or His representative, he establishes the principles of religion ….. Unfortunately, when the acarya disappears, rogues and nondevotees take advantage and immediately begin to introduce unauthorized principles….The acarya, the authorized representative of the Supreme Lord, establishes the principles of religion, but when he disappears, things once again become disordered. The perfect disciples of the acarya try to relieve the situation by sincerely following the instructions of the spiritual master. (Bhag. 4.28.48 purport)

Let us meditate deeply upon these profoundly important and relevant instructions. When Arjuna was feeling great sorrow due to Lord Krsna's departure from this world, he remembered the Lord's transcendental teachings and felt great solace, in the same manner, we your disciples find solace, in your absence, in the numerous instructions you have left us, which are meant only for guiding us back to our real eternal home, back to Godhead.

Falling at your eternal lotus feet, our divine master, we your disciples fervently pray that you may forever guide us along the effulgent path of your perfect instructions, not letting us stray even a minute degree. Let us remain eternally fixed in Krsna consciousness by constantly remembering and sincerely executing your divine instructions, utterly free from selfish, fruitive motives. And let us demonstrate our love for you, practically, by cooperating together amongst ourselves in the execution and spreading of Krsna consciousness. If we cannot do this, then let us give up our lives, for what is the use of lives uselessly spent?

Falling again at your lotus feet, we humbly beg you to maintain us, your disciples, who are so devoid of good qualities. Without you, there is no meaning to our small lives. If we forget your lotus feet, our lives become vacant and void. Please, our lord, help us to remember you constantly, to feel you by our side. Guide us, instruct us, keep us on the proper path of Krsna consciousness, don't neglect us or forget us, Srila Prabhupada. We cannot go on without your mercy! Please, our glorious lord and master, let us always be cognizant of our total dependence upon your mercy and show your mercy to us insignificant jivas. Let us participate, however unqualified we may be, in your sublime and glorious pastime of spreading Krsna consciousness throughout the world. Give us the intelligence, the clarity of vision, and the deep spiritual intuition to understand your desires and try to satisfy them. We rest in your hands. Protect us or kill us! Guide us as you see fit. Make us surrender fully unto you. Please remain as our eternal master, guide, preceptor, friend, well-wisher, protector. Without you, Srila Prabhupada, we are lost, useless. Save us! We love you, Srila Prabhupada! Keep us with you eternally!

Your disciples at New Badarikassrama (Denver)

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