Dispelling Doubts

The dearest thing to a sincere disciple is the order of his spiritual master. Baradraja explains, "We had our order, and through the whole thing Srila Prabhupada confirmed that order and again and again enlivened all of us with his kindness. Then Srila Prabhupada went to Bombay on a visit. Without his daily encouragement I gradually began having some doubts about the whole idea of making dolls. So finally I flew to Bombay to see Srila Prabhupada. I had been in the hospital in Mayapur, and when I arrived in Bombay Srila Prabhupada had heard of my illness. He asked, How is your health?-he was very kind-and I said, 'Now that I am with you I'm perfectly all right.'

"Early that same morning, as the sun was coming up, I went with him on his walk along Juhu Beach. What he said to me that morning has become my life and soul. These words are what make me tick right now. Srila Prabhupada instructed me that morning on Juhu Beach: 'Learn this art of doll making. Become expert. If you take this to the West, then my preaching mission will become successful all over the world.' So these words actually changed my life. From that day on, making dolls was a lot more than just a job or a task. It became my life's mission.

"I learned another important lesson, you might say, when Srila Prabhupada asked us to make an exhibit in Mayapur for Lord Caitanya's appearance day. It was our first real project, and there wasn't really enough time to finish it all. I made a doll of Lord Caitanya in His six-handed form, and one of Lord Nrsimhadeva [the half man, half-lion incarnation of Krsna]. We finished on time, barely, and everyone who came was impressed. When Srila Prabhupada came to the doll of Lord Caitanya he asked, 'Who has made this?' Someone said, 'Baradraja did it.' Srila Prabhupada thought for a minute as he looked at it. Then he turned to me and said, 'The hands are not yet perfect; you must study further.' That was the first time I had noticed how very perceptive and critical Srila Prabhupada was of this diorama art. He actually wanted us to learn how to make everything perfect. Everyone else thought the Lord Citanya doll was nice, but Srila Prabhupada wasn't going to overlook anything.

"After that I began to feel a bit humble. When he came to the diorama of Lord Nrsimhadeva and asked, 'Who made this?' I replied that I had. 'Very good,' he said. 'Now you can teach others.' From these two incidents I could understand that, yes, he wanted me to teach, but on the other hand I had much more to learn. So I decided to remain in India and continue with my training.

"Finally, Adi-deva and I had the opportunity to go to Vrndavana [the small village (ninety miles from Delhi) where Lord Krsna appeared five thousand years ago]. We lived and worked in a little shed right next to Srila Prabhupada's quarters. Every day he would visit us during our work and point something out: 'This is too big. That is too small. Do this.' Whenever he was out he would almost always come over to the shop and see what we were doing. Then Srila Prabhupada became very sick. For almost two weeks we didn't see him at all. We just kept working on the dolls. When we had finished them, Srila Prabhupada's health was a little better, but he was still feeling very ill. One morning, after he had left his quarters for a short walk, we hurried in and put the newly finished dolls in his room as a surprise. And were we surprised! When Srila Prabhupada saw the dolls he became very happy. That morning his whole disposition changed and he felt in good health again. The significance, I think, was that by our work we were showing him we had learned what he had brought us to India to learn and that we were enthusiastic to go and begin theistic exhibitions in the West.

"A few days later I went with Srila Prabhupada on his morning walk and he told me, 'Yes, I have often thought that I have brought you here and given you so much trouble just so you would learn to do this important work. And now I see it was not in vain.' "

This marked the conclusion of fifteen months' training in India. Looking back over this period of preparation, Adi-deva recalls that the real motivation for all the devotees involved was the desire to please their spiritual master (which is actually the basic principle of spiritual life). "Going through that whole experience together helped everybody sense the importance that Srila Prabhupada was putting on this work. All the way through, whenever we would become discouraged or unsure, we'd either write to Srila Prabhupada, or Baradraja would go see him, or Prabhupada would come to visit us. And he just kept encouraging, always encouraging."