“I Still Feel Wanting”

After having worked so hard for the cause of humanity and after compiling so much transcendental literature, it would be expected that Vyasadeva would be satisfied by his worthwhile activities. Yet as Vyasadeva sat down in meditation one morning, he thought to himself that he was not very satisfied in mind or heart. Vyasadeva considered, "I have certainly worshiped the Vedas, the spiritual masters and the altar of sacrificial fire under strict disciplinary guidance and without pretense, and I have also abided by the Vedic rulings. I have shown the import of the disciplic succession through the explanation of the Mahabharata, in which even women, sūdras and others can also see the path of religion. Yet although I am already fully equipped with everything needed in the matter of Vedic principles, I still feel wanting. It may be that I did not direct myself enough to the devotional service of the Lord, which is dear both to the perfect beings and to the infallible Lord." From these thoughts we can see that Srila Vyasadeva was able to express to himself a hint of the lack that he felt. Somehow or other, although fully equipped in all the details of Vedic achievements, Vyasadeva appeared to have lost the clue to his normal transcendental happiness. Therefore he felt dissatisfaction.

The despondency of Vyasadeva must not be thought of as an isolated case unrelated to our own lives. If every man and woman reading this essay would only examine himself with introspection, he would most likely find something akin to the lack felt at heart by Srila Vyasadeva. Whether one has achieved great success in business, or has amassed great wealth, a nice family, fame, or any amount of worldly or mystical power, that dissatisfaction at the inner core of one's being is liable to occur. This dissatisfaction is manifested in many ways, such as boredom, frustration, loneliness and disillusion, and in general it exists because our innermost desires for happiness and fulfillment are not being satisfied. This is certainly true for those persons who have made gross sensualism their purpose for living. As such a person grows older and increases in his career of sex enjoyment and intoxication, he realizes that it is hellish and that he is not satisfied. Any man who feels great hopes for a fulfilling life in this material world will find that his actual position falls far short of his wished-for happiness. We may have idealistic plans for our own enjoyment or our families' enjoyment or for the improvement of our nation or humanity, but because of the nature of the material laws-such as old age, death, disease and other miseries-our ideals are never fulfilled in the material world. His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada has written in this connection: "Perfection is never attained until one is satisfied at heart, and this satisfaction of the heart has to be searched out beyond the material world."